Why Interviewing Family Members Is One of the Most Rewarding Things a Writer Can Do
Memoir is all about writing from your own memories and perspective, right? Well, sure—but sometimes putting your reporter hat on can unearth essential details, too.
This Saturday at Narratively Academy, Ladane Nasseri will teach The Way They Were: Writing About Parents and Formative Relationships. We asked Ladane to kick off our week with a little insight into why interviewing family members is an exceptional idea for many memoir writers.
For most of my life, including some of my teenage years, I did not live in the same country as my parents. It was understood that it was better for my sisters and me to study abroad and seize the opportunities that would come as a result than to grow up in a country at war, with limited prospects for professional growth. Their reasoning made sense to me at the time. They wanted to protect us — to give us a better future. And they undeniably did. For years, I did not question their choice. It’s only more recently, as I reflected on my decision to become a journalist (and what led me down this path), that I had the chance to revisit our story as a family and talk about it with my parents.
It’s a conversation that has lasted several years, both through formal interviews and informal exchanges. To fully understand their decision, I had to understand them, and to understand them I had to grasp not only who they were as we spoke but also who they had been at midlife, in their youth, in their childhood.
It’s been a challenging conversation at times, for them, and for me, but what started as sheer journalistic curiosity turned, over time, into a meaningful experience that has made me see my parents in a different light.
When the topic of memoir comes up, I often (though not always) encourage my students to interview members of their family.
Here are five reasons why I think it’s a very worthwhile exercise.
1. Interviewing fills the gaps
Our memories are incomplete, subjective and distorted by time. We naturally rely on what we remember. But what about what we forgot, misinterpreted or never knew in the first place?
Interviews with family offer a way to access the parts of the story we didn’t witness or were too young to understand.
2. Interviewing uncovers hidden stories
Almost every family has stories that haven’t been vocalized. Often, it’s because no one thought to ask, or no one thought to mention them. Interviewing family members and relatives can shed light on these stories before it’s too late. People are often more inclined to share than we might think, but they need a genuine invitation.
3. Interviewing makes our stories more authentic
When we listen closely to someone, we start hearing not only what they say but also how they say it. We notice the cadence of their speech, the words they use, the images they conjure, the anecdotes they return to, the pauses they make…these details are raw material for our writing. They make the dialogue truer, the characters more authentic, the stories more vivid.
4. Interviewing builds empathy and shifts our perspective
Often, we’re so close to family members that we lose the ability to see them with nuance, and we stop being curious. Interviewing a parent or sibling can change the way we see them. When we sit with them, ask questions about their life and truly listen, they go from being people with well-defined roles or character traits to whole, complicated, flawed, vulnerable, fascinating human beings.
5. Interviewing is a form of relationship-building
Interviewing a relative is useful for our writing. But more importantly, it’s an attempt at understanding the other person by inviting them to relive the best (and sometimes worst) moments of their life, their wildest hopes and stinging regrets. Being present, asking meaningful questions and listening without judgement is a powerful form of honoring someone. It can result in moments of deep connection and create a stronger bond — even in complicated relationships.
Want to learn more? Join Ladane Nasseri, a MacDowell fellow who has published everywhere from The New York Times to McSweeney’s, for a two-hour seminar this Saturday: The Way They Were: Writing About Parents and Formative Relationships.
Writers: Have you interviewed any of your family members or friends for a memoir piece? If yes, what are your best/worst/strangest/most hilarious stories from doing so? Head over to Chat to share.
Very timely and helpful for me, Ladane. A good example of what you're suggesting is what I am learning from talking with my extremely frail older half-sister. She was 16 when I was born and was "lucky" enough (ha) to have to take care of me when I was a baby. I don't remember that, of course, but she does. I am learning so much that I never knew, both about her and our family situation. Thank you so much.
Thank you